SETTLING IS FOR SUCKERS
Sixty days ago I was descending the confining and not so safe stairway of PNB apartments. Mad rush is over, have had my dose of nicotine and client problems are officially off my back, at least for the time being. Officially it's after work and autonomy is just steps away. That if i survive the descend and why not? It's dark...no it's pitch black and I need to strain my eyes from the dim light of my Blackberry to take in the steps. Whose brilliant idea was it to use a Smart Phone for a makeshift flashlight anyway?
Halfway down I half complimented myself and took the chance to breathe in relief as nobody was ascending and I really hate to retrace back some steps to give way to upcoming traffic. Still mindful of my steps, I moved on wary to the fact that if I slip I will surely impale myself on the rust-free metal fence that borders the stairs, and I'm thinking, wow that will be a fabulous way to hurt myself and hopefully bleed to oblivion
Bleed to oblivion... pretty melodramatic isn’t it? Yeah I still have to embrace the concept of resurrection after crucifixion. Maybe if I'm as red as Christ I should be resurrected.
But maybe not. I'll turn blue and I will still be stuck here climbing and descending these same steps as I did yesterday, and the other day and the day before that since last year and the year before. And without doubt I should be here tomorrow, an hour and 17 minutes late, or maybe 32 minutes later if I decided to reward myself with a bite of Pesto washed with unlimited black coffee at Volante.
" Settled. That’s the big picture and sucking should be another picture that complimentarily parallels it..."
Yeah I deserve a reward! Well...one, for going to work without enough decent sleep and still be productive for the next 9 hours. Now that’s a tall one but truly I am very productive while being successful in annoying my superiors with my constant cigarette breaks and being very well savvy that annoying superiors is a biggy and I deserve to be burned. I deserve something like: Sherwin you are fucking FIRED! But no, no melodramatic of that sort here and I can't even begin to tell you why but one thing is sure, I am settled and sucking.
Settled. That’s the big picture and sucking should be another picture that complimentarily parallels it. They both come packaged in a can of worms and that includes dealing with a screamer because her porn site, which is twice as complicated as vagina, is having slow progress or the one who’s going nuclear because his database is truncated w/c he authorized truncation 5 minutes ago. Not to mention the one who believes earth is crumbling down because pistachio was spelled as pistacchio
Yes I am finally settled and stuck in the middle of the rat race, being overly nice to every colleague I run into the company cooler, including the ones who constantly annoy me, and constantly avoiding people who believes I don’t deserve the big raise from last month because I’m an asshole, and five day work weeks including holidays, and waking up against my will with a hangover , and traffic and where-will-I- eat-lunch- today-yesterday’s-menu-sucks, and deadlines and overtimes, and company policies and memos and office politics, gossip, and the low caliber loud mouth bitch, and ass kissers, and mr. know it all, he’s been with the company 3 years longer than me…and what is a Pension?
Three steps down, I need to stop and wave at Mark, who just arrived for his grave shift duty while taking the excuse to think. I can’t possibly be here for eternity. That’s way too much to dig even at the back of my mind and just thinking of it setups a stimulus-response bond and I cringed. I can’t be stuck all my life in a sit-in-your-ass all day desk job wasting away as each day dragged on slowly
While being an expendable company resource, I am one of those most fortunate employees whose imagination and dedication never passed without high regards and big rewards, but I’m pretty sure that won’t keep me here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in a system, in the rat race. I want to be off the grind. Here is good, but there must be something better. Something more rewarding, and fulfilling, and flexible, and free where I don’t have to ask permission to pickup my Chihuahua from the vet, or go help a lost friend who took a left turn to Gov pack Rd and believes he took a right turn to Session Rd.
I’m scared shitless and It’s going to be a big leap of faith but I’m going to take the plunge.
So having this mindset, I dashed, stones flying and sparks flashing on my wake. I took off into the air aiming to land a feet from the base of the stairs, but the eagerness of my flight was met with the eagerness of the metal gate connecting to my shoulders with a load bang and…PAIN! …and …SHIT! … and 15 seconds of shame!
That’s it I’ve completely had it here. I’m better than this.I QUIT.